Bonus Post: How I Feel about My Military Service

“The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him.” – G.K. Chesterton

This new “war-not-war” in Iran has me reflecting on my own time in the military and what it meant to me. Also, making sure my Individual Ready Reserve time is officially up.

It is.

This post isn’t going to be about facts, which is a stark contrast to my usual. I wanted to get this off my chest, and write down my feelings on all the things. Kind of like journaling, but showing everyone my journal!

I was in the military from 2013-2021. I joined in January, 2013, while still in High School. I was 17 years old. My mom and I had had a..dispute..and she kicked me out when I was 16. I wasn’t a bad kid, but I did voice some adult opinions on her drinking on weeknights and bringing my ex-stepdad around my brother and I. I ended up moving from my hometown to Duluth, MN, finding a room to rent in a college house and working full time. I attended post-secondary classes at Lake Superior College, with the goal of getting enough credits to transfer into a 4-year college.

My parents were hard-working people. That’s not a question. What they couldn’t do, though, is pay for my college. Earlier that year an Army recruiter had visited my High School and we had all taken the ASVAB. I scored an overall 94, and had had Army recruiters on my tail ever since. I decided to look into it, but ended up choosing the Air National Guard over Army.

The 148th Fighter Wing offered the standard enlistment package of tuition reimbursement and a living stipend, plus a $20K sign-on bonus to pick Aircraft Armament as an AFSC. $20K to a 17-year-old is equivalent to about $1,00,000!

Off to MEPS I went, then off to Basic Training in July 2013. Tech School was in Wichita Falls, TX. When I came back, I chose working in the “backshop” over the flightline job of loading bombs. I fixed bomb racks, missile launchers, and the Vulcan gatling gun, as well as worked electrical problems for the armament systems on the aircraft. I did this for 6 years, part of the time as a part-timer and part as a full-timer.

In 2019 I decided to re-class into a new AFSC, choosing Maintenance Management Analysis as it aligned closer to the degree in Cybersecurity I was near completion on. I had developed autoimmune arthritis from a freak vaccination response, and could no longer reliably turn a wrench or build a wiring harness. Back to Wichita Falls I went, coming back with a shiny new AFSC. I stayed in until February 2021, 6 months after my first kiddo was born. I had decided that raising her was more important than staying in.

I have never regretted that decision. Even after I left the Guard, I still worked as a Title 5 Civilian for the Minnesota Joint Force Headquarters Defensive Cyber Operations section, building out Security Operations for the state. I worked there until mid-2022.

Depending on who you ask, I was pretty damn good at what I did. I was hired full time to a highly sought after WG Technician job. I helped keep the racks of awaiting maintenance items empty. I always scored above 90% on every PT test, skill level exam and Airman Leadership School test. I was Top Grad at my second Tech School. I always got merit-based awards when available. Overall, I was proud of what I did and how I did it.

Sure, I faced sexism here and there. One coworker at JFHQ told me the only reason they fought so hard to keep me on when I left the service was because I’m a girl. Incidentally, this person was also leaving service and no one wanted to fight for a civilian position for him. I’d argue it was because I busted my butt and he didn’t, but who knows.

Overall, though, I had a ton of wonderful leadership and experiences while in the guard. I met incredibly strong women with incredibly important jobs, even getting to drive the General Best to a speaking engagement and take part in a forum with her. These women and men inspired me, and helped shape me into who I am today.

It wasn’t all rainbows and butterflies, though.

I will be upfront – I was never deployed during my enlistments. Partly due to timing and partly due to my immune system deciding I AM MY OWN WORST ENEMY. Deployments, though, were hard on those tapped. Especially considering some of the SNCOs who were reaching retirement age had been deploying to fight the same war in their last years as they were in their first. I won’t say I heard them complain, but there was an undercurrent of “ugh, here we go again”.

My main point of reflection with the attacks in Iran is, was my service worth it? Am I still proud to be an American if I think our leadership is taking us in the absolute wrong direction?

When I look back, aside from all the wonderful ground-level experiences I had, I can’t say I believe I was fighting the good fight. I feel that we were fighting an endless war with no clear goal or end in sight – throwing resources and bodies at a problem we didn’t seem to be able to fix. I’m proud of the work I did, and proud of the people I worked alongside who held the line on deployments. I don’t, however, feel that the fight was “for honor and glory” – it was for resources. Always resources.

I think I can be proud to be an American and not proud of my country at times, not due to the people of the U.S., but because of our leadership embarrassing and misrepresenting us. The American people are resilient, diverse and determined. I’m proud to belong in those ranks. Someday, I hope that our leadership will reflect the contents of our country. Trump promised to “Make America Great Again!”, but I wouldn’t say it wasn’t just fine already. Different than in was in 1950? Absolutely. There being a different form of greatness doesn’t diminish the new form.

Overall, I suppose I believe we have an amazing military filled with a lot of great folks. I’m proud of my time serving in it, despite not agreeing with the last two big wars. As a 31-year old, I wouldn’t join to serve a cause I don’t support. As a 17-year old, it gave me the opportunities I needed to get to where I am today.

Gobbless America!